The Trials and Tribulations of a Hogwarts Squid
by CousinCalamari
Summary: Looking for a serious, angsty fic about Harry and the gang? You're looking in the wrong place! This is a very silly fic about the Giant Squid and his campaign to get the sewage system of Hogwarts to stop dumping waste in his front yard.
1. Prologue

**_Author's Note:_**_ This story takes place about two years before the events in the Philosopher's Stone. In other words, I was too lazy to take into account any events which were happening in the human world at the time, and simply picked a time period where nothing interesting would be happening. That way, Book 7 won't screw with my continuity._

_Obviously, since this is fan fiction, the characters aren't mine. Except for maybe Kraken. At any rate, should JK Rowling ever sue my butt off for copyright infringement, I plead fair use. These are her characters, settings, and other miscellaneous whatnot._

**Prologue**

Deep, deep down, far beneath the murky waters of a lake in an undisclosed area of England, there is a large steel pipe. This pipe, approximately two and a half metres in diameter, winds past the rocky bottom of the lake, through beds of kelp and deep trenches, from an old, crumbling castle perched precariously on a cliff by the water. It ends somewhere in the south-eastern corner of the lake, in an opening which directly deposits effluent from the castle into a small cave nestled in the rocks.

And here the problem begins. For this castle is not, as at first glance would suggest, an uninhabited ruin. It is, in fact, the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where over a thousand young magical minds gather for ten months of the year. A thousand young witches and wizards, mixing potions and pouring the waste into the castle drains. A thousand young witches and wizards, using toilets, showers, bathtubs, and sinks. A thousand young children using drains and sewage systems, all of which discharge into the large steel pipe which winds through the lake. And a resulting one thousand tonnes of faecal matter pouring into the water.

In short, this pipe spews crap. In fact, this pipe spews crap directly into the home of a giant squid who lives in the small cave nestled in the rocks.

Tell me, what would you do if you were in his position?


	2. Chapter 1: Not in My Back Yard

_Author says: I don't really need to do the copyright thing every chapter, right? _

**Chapter 1: Not in My Back Yard**_  
_

_Dear Headmaster,_

_I am writing to demand a new location for the main sewage pipe which runs from your school. The recent waste levels have been unacceptable, from both an environmental and aesthetic perspective, and unless the situation is rectified immediately I will take legal action._

_The Hogwarts Lake is a known area for endangered magical creatures, particularly kappa, red spotted Grindylows, and yours truly. It is also one of the few remaining natural Gillyweed forests in England. To pour untreated sewage and magical waste is a direct violation of article 10.3.5a in the Protection of Environmental Elements Against Magical Damage Act of 1963, which is punishable by 3 months in Azkaban and a 5,000 Galleon fine. Plus, it makes my house stink._

_I therefore request that the either the sewage pipe be relocated, or appropriate treatment facilities be built by the end of the year. Thank you for your cooperation._

_Yours truly, _

_Kraken Archibald Teuthis-Dux,_

_Hogwarts Squid._

Kraken the giant squid flexed his tentacles. It was no easy task trying to write without opposable thumbs, and he was suffering from a massive case of writer's cramp.

Nevertheless, he looked over his work with one of his watermelon-sized eyeballs, deemed it of a sufficiently high standard, rolled up the piece of parchment, and handed it to Moaning Myrtle, who had accidentally been flushed down the toilet again. With a curt nod and a promise to listen to her inane babbling at a later date, he sent Myrtle back up the pipe to deliver the letter to Hogwarts, and sat back and waited.

Really, Kraken thought, was it so hard to give him the simple luxury of respect? After all, he'd been a law abiding squid all his life. He'd never eaten a single student who'd come swimming in the lake, no matter how annoying or stupid they were. He'd never been responsible for sinking any boats, unlike some squid he could mention, and he'd even helped the odd drowning student back to shore. Yes, Kraken was a good squid. He deserved a sewage free environment.

But did that mean he would get a sewage free environment? No, it did not. Instead, he was deluged with a hundred cubic metres of wizard faeces every day. Well, no more. He, Kraken, was going to be proactive about his waste problems. He was going to write a polite letter to Dumbledore, and if that letter failed to bring about results, he would follow it up with more polite letters. If that failed, he would send a few not-so-polite letters. And if that failed… well, Kraken hadn't planned that far into the future yet. But it would _not_ be pretty.

It would not be pretty at all.

* * *

"Percy?" 

"We were wondering --"

"If we could ask you --"

"…a simple question?"

Percy Weasley glared at the twin faces of his younger brothers. "What is it this time?"

"Why do you always look --" began Fred.

"And act --" chimed in George.

"Yes, that too," agreed Fred.

"As though you have a steel rod shoved up your bum?" Two identical expressions of 11 year old mischief looked up at the third year student with mock curiosity and reverence.

Percy sighed, putting away the thick, heavy book he was highlighting. "Responsibility is not equivalent to being stodgy or boring or having a blunt object shoved up one's posterior, thank you very much. Responsibility is having a shred of common sense and doing what you're supposed to be doing, instead of driving everyone else up the wall by sticking Dungbombs in their beds. If you two would just be responsible once in a while, instead of asking me these imbecilic questions, you might actually spend some time outside the detention room."

Fred and George looked at him.

"So… you're saying that you're responsible?"

"Exactly."

"Responsible for the rectal transport of steel rods, that is?"

Percy glared again at his brothers. "Don't you two have anything better to do?"

The twins grinned evilly. "Now that you mention it, we're going to go stick Dungbombs in your bed."

And with that, they headed off to visit the statue of Gregory the Smarmy, leaving Percy scowling into his textbook.

* * *

The secret passageway behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy was useful for a number of reasons. Firstly, it led outside the walls of Hogwarts, ending in a spot conveniently near Zonko's Joke shop. Secondly, it was hidden, and as of yet unnoticed by Filch. Finally, there was a secondary passage leading off the tunnel into a small, semi-dry chamber under the lake. As far as Fred and George knew, it was part of a series of underwater caves in the south east corner of the lake. As far as Fred and George cared, it was a handy place to store illicit Dungbombs. And therefore, the passageway behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy was a perfect secret base for any sort of technically-against-the-rules high jinks. 

Little did they know, however, that this network of caves was inhabited. In fact, the other caves, all of which were flooded, were the rooms of Kraken's underwater cave. And Kraken was not pleased that in addition to the sewage pipe, there was another source of human faeces in his house. He was very upset indeed that someone would be so callous as to leave exploding packages of manure in the dry room of his house, especially since he stored his non-waterproof books there.

Nevertheless, he had never caught anyone going in and out of the chamber, so he could do nothing about it. So for months, the pumping of sewage through one opening and the deposit of Dungbombs through the other had continued.

Kraken wasn't sure how much more he could take.

_Author: I should really resolve to not post chapters until they're finished and proofread. I've just edited this because it really didn't link well. I'd also like to acknowledge that the quote about Percy engaging in the rectal transport of steel rods was gacked off an episode of Daria. Many apologies, Daria writers._


	3. Chapter 2: Bang!

**Chapter 2: Bang!**

It had been three weeks since Kraken had sent his first polite letter to the Headmaster of Hogwarts, and he had yet to receive any reply. Of course, this kind of thing always happened to him. It was very difficult to be taken seriously when you were a talking squid living in a cave at the bottom of a lake. After all, humans had a tendency to be prejudiced towards different looking members of their own species, never mind creatures which were about as related to them as woodlice and armadillos. You simply couldn't expect the same kind of maturity and respect from them that you would from say, magical giant squid.

Nevertheless, given that he lived only a short flush away from the Hogwarts campus, Kraken felt that he had given the Hogwarts faculty ample time to reply to his demands. And so he began drafting his second letter to the school.

"_Dear Headmaster,_

_I refer to the letter sent on the 17th of October. I would like to enquire as to whether the Hogwarts management has reached a decision on how best to reroute the sewage pipe. Please reply promptly._

_Thank you for your consideration._

_Yours sincer–"_

Bang.

The faint sound of something very wet and slushy exploding diverted Kraken away from his writing. Strange. He hadn't recalled storing anything explosive in his home. Frequent visits from his rather nosy and poke-happy cousin Calamari had caused him to avoid those kinds of things. He turned around and cast a glance around his cavern, and then turned back to his writing.

"—_erely,_

_Kraken Archibald Te—"_

Bang.

There it was again. Whatever it was. Perhaps something in the stove-pipe was leaking onto a cough potion he had brewing in the cauldron. He'd have to get a repair-merman from the village to get a look at it sometime. It was due for a checkup anyway.

"—_uthis-Dux,_

_Hogwarts Squ—"_

Bang.

The sound was louder this time. And, turning around to look in the direction of the source of the sound, Kraken caught a whiff of a very distinctive odour.

There was no mistaking that stink. Something was leaking human excrement into his cave. And it was coming from his above water chambers, where someone had recently been depositing exploding manure parcels into his non-waterproof books library. Kraken swam up through the labyrinthine underwater tunnels, a look of predatory glee in his rather large eyeballs. He'd caught those darn cave-polluting, library-ruining hooligans at last.

As he came closer and closer to his non-waterproof book library, the smell of faeces became stronger and stronger. The bangs were definitely getting louder, and as he swam further, Kraken could hear the sound of human voices as well.

"Fred, you—"

Bang!

"—moron, watch where you're going! How're we supposed to have a decent supply of Dungbombs to leave under Percy's pillow if you keep–"

Bang!

"—dropping them?"

"Well, you could—"

Bang!

"—help carry them. I mean, it was—"

Bang!

"—all your idea."

Two wild looking red-haired human children with arms full of something Kraken recognized as – what were they called again? Poo-bombs? – came into view as he rose into the above water chambers. He wrestled with his urge to eat them for a while, but then decided to sit back and observe before taking any action.

Fred and George, still unaware of Kraken's presence, swore with surprisingly varied vocabulary for a pair of eleven year olds as they tripped over uneven staircase steps to cart armfuls of unstable Dungbombs across the narrow entrance into the Hogwarts passage. Each time they tripped, several Dungbombs would drop out of their arms and smash onto the floor below, spraying the twins, the room, and Kraken's collection of irreplaceable 14th century manuscripts with dung.

"My idea? You were the one who said we were off to bomb his bed"

Bang! Bang!

"No, you did, I heard you."

"Well, I heard you. So there."

Bangbangbang!

"Wait a minute, didn't we say—"

Bang!

"— the words together?"

"Yeah, we said them in reply to Percy telling us to sod off and go find something better to do."

Bang!

"Wasn't he the one who accused us of putting Dungbombs in people's beds?"

"Exactly. We'd never have come up with that on our own."

"So really, it's all his fault."

Bang!

"Completely."

"That git."

The twins put down their load.

"Y'know, I think we should just take these three. The rest we can dump by that bookshelf over there, and we'll come back later and put them in his bed some other day."

"Hmm. A long, drawn out torment. I like it."

And with that, they flung the load of bombs at the priceless, one-of-a-kind original manuscript of the Gutenberg Bible on the shelf.

Kraken could watch no longer.

He reared out of the water, his tentacles gleaming with slime and his face wrought with fury, and threw his massive bulk in front of his precious books.

BangbangbangbangbangbangSPLAT!

The twins were shocked to see a very angry, poo-splattered giant squid glaring at them. They were even more shocked when it picked them up, one in each tentacle, and hung them upside down by their ankles. But that was nothing compared to when, to their utmost surprise, it started speaking.

"So, you're the reprobates who've been desecrating my library."

It was then that the two troublemakers realized that they were in very, very deep doo-doo. And not just because they were covered in dung.

* * *

_Author: I've been living in Beijing for the past few weeks and I haven't spoken/heard any English in ages. Bear with the sudden drop in language standard and inability to produce believable dialogue._


	4. Chapter 3: I AM thE SquiD!

**Chapter 3: I AM thE SquiD!**

"So, what you're telling us is that you live here."

"In this cave."

"Which we've been using to store Dungbombs"

"And that there's a great big dirty pipe outside pouring crap in through the other end."

"Which is why despite the fact that we've been enclosed inside giant air bubbles, the inside of your cave still stinks."

"And is filled with brown murky stuff."

"And Moaning Myrtle."

"And you want us to stop dumping Dungbombs in through the other end."

"As well as tell the people at Hogwarts to hurry it up with the sewage treatment"

"And if we don't, you'll eat us, covered in undelectable globs of manure as we are."

Kraken nodded. "Largely correct. It really is terrible living in these conditions, you know. Almost inhumane, not that I like to hold up humans as an example of good living." He sniffed disapprovingly. "I would be extremely appreciative if you would deliver my next letter to the Headmaster, whoever it is these days. You can't expect a squid to remember these things when he's nearly 1493 years old. It's not still whatshisface Dippet, is it?"

Fred and George shrugged. "Nope, Dumbledore. What's in the letter? Is it a Howler?"

Kraken looked at the two, staring at them with one of his dinner plate sized eyes, an action which made both of them feel extremely uncomfortable. "Of course not. That would be rude."

This comment caused Fred and George to exchange looks briefly, and madly try to stifle the urge to laugh, with the result that both of them looked like they were sitting on something extremely pointy, with tears leaking out of the sides of their eyes from the suppressed air pressure inside them.

Kraken raised what would have been an eyebrow if he'd had an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"Kraken, my boy, you've been going about this all wrong."

"If you want results, you've got to use whatever you have as leverage"

"And your leverage is that you are a big, scary squid who eats innocent little children like us."

Kraken stared. "I beg your pardon?"

"Look, do you want to live in a sewer for the rest of your life? Or do you want a nice clean lake, free from the murky pollution, the troubles of the big city…"

"… the hustle and bustle of everyday life, maybe some space to raise a family.."

"…a nice neat forest of seaweed or whatever, some trees... well, you get the idea."

"I mean, we can't even imagine why you didn't do anything sooner. Haven't you been living in this place since Hogwarts was founded?"

"And presumably, people needed the loo back then, too."

Kraken sniffed. "I moved here from the Black Sea about fifty years before the school was founded, back when it was a clearing in the forest and a couple of rocks. I didn't know they'd build a school there. When they were putting the pipe in, believe me, I made a fuss. But whatshername with the pet badger – Olga Hubblechuff? Inga Hugglefluff?"

"Helga Hufflepuff."

"Yes, that would be her. She told me they would put charms on the pipes to clean anything that would come out. It's a simple enough spell, you layer a Vanishing Charm to get rid of the sewage with a spell to purify the water and another to give it a fresh lemony scent—"

"A fresh lemony scent?" snorted George.

"Don't interrupt. I still have the power to eat you, although I'd really rather not because you look thoroughly filthy and I might catch food poisoning. So the charms were put in, and they worked fairly well. They were renewed when they wore off every fifty years by the caretaker of the school. Except this one seems to be slacking on his duties. The charms have been gone for three years now, and so I thought I'd remind him that it needs to be done, and that legally, it has to be done to any sewage pipe where spoiled potions and magical waste is poured into a body of water. But then, I decided, well, if it's going to be like this all over again every fifty years, I might as well demand that the pipe be moved or a permanent treatment facility be built. It's the proper protocol in this situation to inform the person in charge of its maintenance about the problem, and then to file an application with the Ministry"

Fred and George imagined a giant squid walking past rows of cubicles at the Ministry of Magic to hand in piles of paperwork. They exchanged another look, and decided to keep their opinions to themselves.

"Alright then, don't worry about a thing, Krakkers—"

"Don't call me that."

"—we'll have this all sorted out for you, Weasley style."

"Well, the cool Weasley style, anyway. Not the rod-shoved-up-bumness of Percy-style."

Kraken fixed one of his large eyes on them again. "What on earth would you know about filing complaints?"

Two devious grins, which by now had become very, very infamous up above at Hogwarts, glowed at the squid.

"Trust us."

* * *

Argus Filch was not one who enjoyed running. But having read the letter in his hand, he really had no choice. 

"Professor Dumbledore," he wheezed. "Thought you might want to see this."

A tall wizard with a long white beard looked over his half moon spectacles at the scrap of parchment placed in front of him, and frowned.

Filch continued to wheeze, catching his breath after his dash up a long flight of stairs. "I've been tossing out all the mail from this sender; thought it was some kind of prank—"

Dumbledore looked up at Filch enquiringly.

"Er, not that I've been censoring the mail lately, no sir. It's just that it looked suspect, and you know I'm allowed to search for dangerous items—"

"Do carry on," said Dumbledore.

"Well, anyway, I read this, and you know the Weasley twins have been missing for several days, and I thought it might be of concern, sir." He pronounced the words 'Weasley twins' with a slight tang of disdain, the very same of which Severus Snape would later use whenever he had to use the words 'Harry Potter' in front of Dumbledore.

"It is very much of concern to me, Argus. Thank you. You may leave now."

Filch walked out of the door, not particularly pleased at the prospect of having to climb back down the very long flight of stairs outside.

Alone now in his office, Dumbledore unfolded the letter. In wonky letters cut out from old copies of the Daily Prophet and pasted onto the parchment with a Sticking Charm, were nineteen words painstakingly composed by Fred and George earlier in Kraken's lair.

"dUmBleDORE,

I AM thE SquiD. I HaVE the WEAsley TwInS. ReROUTE/clEAn THE sewage oR they DiE.

LoVE,

KRAKeN"

The headmaster frowned and shook his head. "Merlin's beard. It looks like the Muggle mode of communication known as the Internet."

He sighed. "And I was told that this squid was literate."

_Author: This is about as far as I've planned. Two implications of this: the next chapter will take a long while to finish, and you, my loyal and rabidly fangirly/boyish readers, get to influence what happens next. Review and comment._


	5. Chapter 4: An Angry Mob is Born

**Chapter 4: An Angry Mob is Born**

In no time at all, the entire Hogwarts community was in pandemonium. Word of the Weasley twins' capture had spread like fire burning through old copies of the Daily Prophet. Within a day or two, everybody seemed to know that two first years had been taken hostage by a rabid, dangerous and off-balance squid. Owls bearing details of the incident flew back and forth across the wizarding world like arrows over a battlefield.

As it always is in these cases, these details were as fantastic and entertaining as they were untrue. It was rumoured that the capture of the twins was the first in a long chain of events that would trigger the eventual return of Voldemort, that Kraken was planning to sacrifice them to his all-powerful squid god in return for an unstoppable army of Inferii, and that it was all part of a conspiracy concocted by Professor Snape to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching post. It had also been said by some that the event had occurred because the Weasley twins had been trying to steal an ancient item of squid magic and brought an equally ancient curse upon themselves. Still others thought that the Weasley twins had been pulling a prank on the squid, and deserved every bit of the fate that had been meted out to them.

All in all, with the facts being spun, twisted, and pulled into reality defying creations that made the Quibbler look like the epitome of journalistic accuracy, and all form of sanity being tossed aside like old garbage, it was not really a pleasant environment for the mother of the twins in question. Especially not when the mother worried as much as Molly Weasley.

"Don't worry, mother. I'm sure there isn't the slightest bit of truth in any of this ridiculous gossip," declared Percy, who, while every bit as eager to reassure his mother as any good son, secretly subscribed to the theory that the twins had deserved their predicament.

"Percy's right, Mum," agreed his brother Bill. "You wouldn't believe the garbage that's been flying around."

"Oh, I do hope you're right, boys, but…" began Mrs. Weasley.

A third red haired boy, Bill and Percy's brother Charlie, spoke up. "I'm sure Fred and George can take care of themselves, Mum. They've probably gotten themselves out of more trouble than the rest of the family combined have ever gotten into. Anyway, where're Dad, Ron and Ginny?"

The whole Weasley family, _sans_ father and youngest children, were gathered in a corridor outside Dumbledore's office, waiting for some faint scrap of news which did not involve blood sacrifices to the omnipotent deity of all squid. Molly had run straight for the school when the rumours had first reached the Burrow, leaving Arthur Weasley at home to look after Ginny and Ron, who, despite protesting very loudly about being left out of all the hubbub, had not been allowed to come for fear of being permanently traumatised by the gruesome catastrophe. The three elder boys now surrounded their mother, trying to stop her from going over the edge into hysterics.

Time passed. Slowly. The family outside paced back and forth, trying to control their nervousness. Gradually, other people found them, and joined them in a show of support. After a while, the once spacious corridor was now packed with well-wishers bearing comfort food, kind words, and offers to hunt down the squid and slice him into sushi.

At long last, Professor McGonagall came out of the office, wearing a look which clearly said _Dumbledore is once more up to some insane scheme of which I disapprove but because I trust him I will agree to carry it out as he wishes_.

"Mrs. Weasley? I'm sorry, but Professor Dumbledore will not be able to see you today. However, he says that the situation is under control. You are not to worry, or to act rashly. He asks you stay within the main Hogwarts building and wait for news. He also says that it is advisable that the crowd which will no doubt have gathered by now"— here McGonagall paused to look at the crowd, which had indeed gathered exactly as Dumbledore had predicted—"to also stay put, wait for news, and avoid any rash actions. He trusts that the problem will be resolved soon, and has left the school premises to work on it. Classes and school activities will carry as normal." And with that, she left the scene to carry out further instructions left to her by the Headmaster.

All at once, the supportive throng around the Weasleys burst into uproar.

"Stay put! While two innocent first years are being held hostage by a monster!"

"Classes as normal! Where on earth are their priorities? Hello, giant rampaging squid on the loose!"

"Who does Dumbledore think he is, anyway? He can't possibly expect us to just sit and wait!"

"Huh, wouldn't surprise me if he did. This place has been going to the dogs ever since he took over. I'm all for storming the lake and rescuing the children ourselves!"

At this last comment, the whole crowd reared up in a collective roar of agreement.

"That's right, you tell'em, sister!"

"All in favour of not waiting around like blind idiots for two innocent little children to be devoured?"

"Aye!"

"All in favour of taking the matter into our own hands?"

"Aye!"

"All in favour of going down into the monster's lair and saving the children from their fate?"

"AYE!"

And with that, the newly formed angry mob turned around to prepare for their mission, leaving the Weasleys behind wondering what had just happened.

"As I said, I'm sure they'll be OK, mothe—" began Percy weakly, but it was too late. Molly Weasley burst into an uncontrollable spate of tears

"My poor darlings! Oh, I don't know what I'll do! All alone! All alone with… with… that, that thing! Who knows what terrors they're facing? Oh, I just hope that they aren't suffering too much!"

At this point, no more intelligible speech could be heard through the sobbing.

* * *

"Your place is freaking AWESOME, Krakkers."

"Don't call me that."

"No, seriously, TV? Even Dad can't figure out how to get this Muggle stuff working around magic! And you've got eighty-nine channels and everything!"

Had Mrs. Weasley known what condition the twins were really in, she would have instantly cheered up. The twins were OK. In fact, they were better than OK. They'd never enjoyed themselves so much.

George flipped through the channels on Kraken's giant wide screen TV while bouncing up and down on his sofa. "Eighty-nine channels and eighty-four of them are boring. Geez, Kraken, what's the point of getting the news and weather channels in so many countries? And what's with the opera channel?"

Meanwhile, Fred rummaged around in Kraken's kitchen, helping himself to all sorts of treats. He poked at a bubbling cauldron near the stove. "Ooh, what's this?"

"Leave that alone. I spent all month working on it."

Truth be told, the squid had not particularly enjoyed being host to a pair of human children. He didn't even like young squid. Young humans, therefore, drove his blood pressure through the roof.

"You two told me that the water would be clean by now. Why is it taking so long?"

"Patience, my dear Krakkers."

"Don't call me that. And it's been a week since we sent that awful grammatically incorrect letter. I could have filed a complaint with the Ministry and had a committee consultation by now."

"Consultation-schmonsultation. You want results, you come to the Weasley twins, brother." Fred munched on a bacon sandwich which he had just made himself from Kraken's food.

"I am not your brother, thank heavens for that. And if your plan doesn't do anything soon, I will be kicking you out with a note to the headmaster to give you detention for vandalism."

Fred ignored the comment. He continued to poke at the cauldron by the stove, accidentally dropping little bits of bacon sandwich into it. The potion inside it fizzed.

George, on the other hand, was now banging the television set very hard. On screen, an opera singer's image flickered, the notes of her aria going more off key with every pound of George's fist. "Hey, Krakkers, I saw some Muggles do this the other day. Does it make the TV show better stuff?"

"No, don't do that it's—hey!"

Fred had abandoned the now smoking cauldron and was giggling over a large pink photo album. "Ooh, you were _so _cute as a little squid!"

"That's my cousin Calamari, I'm not that fa—George!"

"You think I'm fat? I'm hurt."

"No, get your grubby paws away from—oh no."

The cauldron was now rocking back and forth violently, like a baby dragon on the verge of throwing up. Thick black smoke belched out of its innards.

Kraken leapt towards his potion. But it was too late. In an instant, the potion exploded, covering everything in the room with a substance the exact colour and consistency of troll vomit. The globs of potion sizzled as they hit the TV, causing the soprano onscreen to sing a full two octaves higher and several hundred decibels louder than usual. Kraken winced in pain at the sudden rise in pitch.

He took a deep breath, and repeated to himself words which had been his mantra for the past week. "I can do this. Think of clean water. Think of fresh, clean, clean water."

Fred looked sheepish. "Sorry about that."

Kraken glared at him. "How much longer until you leave?"

"Any minute, now, Krakkers."

"Don't call me that."

"Sorry. Anyway, I bet they're doing the sewage as we speak."

Thus reassured, Kraken decided to give up on trying to teach the twins to behave. He'd go for a nice walk, swim around the lake, perhaps drop in at the merchieftain's for a chat. Yes, that was it. Everything would be alright. All he had to do was leave the house for a while to clear his head.

He opened the door, and instantly regretted it.

"KRAKEN THE SQUID. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. GIVE UP THE WEASLEY TWINS INSTANTLY AND WE WILL NOT RAZE YOUR CAVE TO THE GROUND. YES, WE CAN BURN IT, EVEN UNDERWATER. YES, EVEN THOUGH IT'S MADE OF ROCK. THAT'S WHAT MAGIC IS FOR. GIVE YOURSELF UP!"

The angry mob from the castle had arrived at his doorstep. Magically magnified voices boomed at him, while witches and wizards in T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan 'DIE SQUID, DIE!' waved pitchforks, wands, and flaming torches menacingly.

Kraken slammed the door shut. This couldn't be happening. It was all a bad dream. It had to be. But it wasn't.

"ALRIGHT, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. WE'RE BLOWING UP YOUR HOUSE NOW."

Kraken turned to the twins, who had seen and heard the whole thing and were now staring at him with wide, frightened eyes.

"For the record, this is all _your_ fault."

* * *

_The author says: I'm getting kind of bored of writing this, actually. Or maybe I've just not had enough coffee and sugar as of late to write like such a psycho. But I suppose if I left it hanging, you'd all join the mob and lynch me. So, rest assured, it's not dead. We're just about past the halfway point now. Three more chapters!_

_Plus some serious editing for flow. I'm not the only person who thinks that the writing style between this chapter and the previous ones has suddenly changed, am I?_


	6. Chapter 5: A Little Help From My Friends

"You know, Fred, I think Kraken was right."

"All of this is our fault, isn't it?"

"If we hadn't come up with this plan, none of this would have happened."

"No cave being razed to the ground by fire --"

"No giant squid being tied up and carried off to the castle --"

"No giant squid being shrunk to the size of a goldfish with a Shrinking Spell --"

"No giant squid being put into a fishbowl on the shelf of Filch's office --"

"No tiny giant squid moaning about how he should have just filed a statement of claim instead --"

"No us getting in trouble for the Dungbomb stash going off as the mob tried to take us back to Hogwarts --"

"No us hanging upside down from our heels on the walls of dungeon --"

"Yep. Totally our fault."

The twins felt terrible, and not just because of the blood rushing to their head from being strung upside down for four hours. It had been destruction at the underwater cave. Not only had the mob magically burnt down Kraken's house, completely grilling his library books to a charcoal-y crisp, but the violence of the burning, coupled with the accidental Dungbomb explosions, had obliterated the old sewage pipe, causing it to empty its raw untreated contents all over the lake, now an unpleasant shade of brownish-yellow from all the goings on underneath it. The smell permeated the dungeon, attacking the nostrils of the two boys with its unsavoury tang.

"We have to do something about this," began Fred.

"What's the use? We'll probably end up destroying the sewage system completely and causing a cholera outbreak in the school if we tried. Anyway, we're upside down, wandless, and watched over like a Gringotts vault. There's nothing to be done."

"Georgie old boy, there is always something that can be done. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a twat or Percy."

"Or both."

"Probably both."

"Alright, Freddie, what's the plan, then?"

Fred looked blank.

"Exactly. We don't have one. Therefore, twatty Percy would be right," concluded George.

"That's depressing."

"Tell me about it."

Their musing was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, and the sudden appearance of a stocky, red haired boy. More precisely, their musing was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Charlie Weasley, and two other Gryffindors who had arrived early for Potions due to Quidditch training being cancelled. Apparently, the angry mob had not realized that there was a class scheduled for that afternoon.

"What on earth? What in Merlin's name are the two of you doing?" Charlie looked up at Fred and George.

"Detention," chorused the pair.

"What? You can't be punished by being hung upside down!"

"It's a breach of school rules!" added a girl wearing Gryffindor Chaser uniform.

"Apparently we can."

Charlie looked at them blankly for a moment, as if trying to solve a great internal moral dilemma, and then looked around nervously. "Alright. I'm letting you down. Get out of here quickly, before Snape and the rest of the class get here. And whatever you do, don't tell Mum."

Within minutes, the duo were out and scheming.

"Alright. We're outside Filch's office. You set off the Dungbomb, I go in and grab Krakkers."

"Didn't I tell you we'd figure a way out of this mess?"

"You didn't figure it! Charlie came and rescued us!"

"Whatever. So, I set off the Dungbomb to distract Filch, and you grab Krakkers. If we get caught, we lob Dungbombs like the desperate people we are and get our butts outta there, yes?"

"Got it."

The plan was underway. Seconds after the Dungbomb exploded, Filch arrived in the corridor, sporting a glorious purple face and an impressive set of swearwords, threatening the wretched miscreant who would dare set off explosives in his corridor with detention and disembowelment. George sneaked past him into the office, while Fred hid behind another door, prepared to throw another distraction if necessary.

The plan would have gone without a hitch but for one thing: Kraken was not in Filch's office.

"What do you mean, he's not there?" demanded Fred, as he ran into the office to see for himself.

"They must have locked him somewhere else, I swore that he'd be here!"

"Well. This is a pleasant surprise." The twins started. Standing right behind them was Argus Filch, who had caught up to them in their confusion. "Bet you thought there was something in here for you, eh? Nah, there's a much better hiding place for the likes of that. But enough about that, what shall I do with the two of you?"

As Filch fantasized over the nasty punishments he had planned, George's eyes strayed over to a cabinet marked "Highly Dangerous Confiscated Items". He nudged Fred, who immediately saw what his brother had in mind.

KABANG! Off went another Dungbomb, and the twins quickly opened the drawer, grabbing whatever was inside, and dashed out of the room. Only once they had reached the safe confines of the Gryffindor common room did they examine the spoils.

They were, to put it mildly, disappointing.

"A blank scrap of parchment? _This_ is a highly dangerous confiscated item?!"

"Great. That'll really help. Filch is off his rocker."

"No kidding."

The twins put the piece of parchment on the table and stared at it dejectedly. "Well, at least we aren't hanging upside down in the dungeon anymore. I swear, there's just no appreciation for kids who are up to no good nowadays."

Immediately following these words, the piece of parchment began to shake. Dark lines began to trace over its surface, joining together to form words.

_Did somebody say they were up to no good?_

"Bloody hell," exclaimed George. The twins' eyes widened.

More words began to trace over the parchment

_Well, did somebody?_

_Moony thinks they didn't. No-one's out there._

_But Prongs, Wormtail said he heard the words!_

_Bah, he's probably hallucinating again._

"Wait, wait, I said the words!" exclaimed Fred in excitement. The spoils were starting to redeem themselves in his eyes.

_What words?_

"I'm up to no good!" interjected George.

_Do you swear that you're up to no good?_

"Yes! We swear that we're up to no good!"

_Do you? That's good. How do you swear that?_

"With our mouths, you just open up and say the words, it's not hard."

"That's not what they meant, Fred."

"Well, what did they mean?"

_Surely you can guess?_

"Like, the way we say it?"

_Uh-huh._

"Loudly?"

_Not quite. Think more along the lines of an attitude._

"With all our hearts?"

_Closer._

"Wholeheartedly!"

"Truly!"

"Eagerly!"

More text began to appear, each line writing itself out faster and faster, as though the voices behind it were getting more and more excited.

_Ooh, they're getting warmer, Padfoot. Shall we throw them a__ few more hints?_

_No, it's more fun this way. Make them guess._

"Seriously!"

"Totally!"

"Like Mum when she's really mad at us!"

"What the hell?"

"Well, it's descriptive."

_Come on, keep going…_

_A few more guesses…_

"Completely!"

"Solemnly!"

Suddenly, the words stopped appearing. They faded away on the parchment, before a single word inked itself out.

_Bingo._

"That's it! I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!"

And, right before their eyes, the parchment transformed. Lines snaked up across its surface. Dots popped out of the page. Squiggles twisted around the dots, squirming around before settling into their shapes. The whole image began to move, to tremble with life, and tick with the rhythm of so many of living, breathing creatures. Lastly, a title unfurled itself across the top of the completed picture:

"_Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map"_


	7. Chapter 6: Just Get Dumbledore

Kraken woke up with what seemed like the world's worst headache.

He opened his eyes, now the size of peas rather than watermelons, and, shaking off the effects of six stunners and a Shrinking Spell, looked at his new surroundings. He was in some kind of large glass bowl filled with water, with a thin layer of pebbles filling the bottom. Fake plastic Gillyweed in a rainbow of lurid colours floated around the bowl, and in the centre of the whole container was a miniature castle, a perfect tiny replica of Hogwarts, complete with moving staircases.

Swimming up to the surface to get a better view of the environment beyond the manufactured plastic world of the bowl, Kraken observed that he was on a high shelf, overlooking a room with blue tiled walls. One side of the room was lined with mirrors and white ceramic sinks. The other presented a front of uniform green cubicle doors.

_Great_, thought Kraken. _I'm in a fishbowl on the shelf of a public toilet_.

He glumly mulled over his predicament. How had he, member of a mighty and noble line of Giant Squid, terror of the seas, explorers of the oceans, and unfathomable mystery to all humankind, ended up as a decorative trinket in a school toilet? How had he, with all his learning, his cultured tastes, his sophisticated manners, ended up agreeing to what was essentially a terrorist plot concocted by two eleven year old wizards? Why had he, with his sound judgment and superior faculties, even thought that such a deal would have the slightest positive impact on his life?

There was only one conclusion. "I am an imbecile," Kraken thought aloud.

"Well, at least you're not dead," began a voice, as Moaning Myrtle floated up cheerfully from the toilet. "It's really horrible being dead. And it's also really horrible being alone."

Kraken groaned at the sound of her voice. Of all the toilets, he had to be put in Myrtle's residence in the girl's toilet on the second floor. The one which nobody visited because they couldn't stand being near the whiny ghost. Which meant that his chances of being rescued were nil. He'd live out the rest of his incredibly long lifespan floating in fake Gillyweed.

"You know, I could flush you, and then you'd be right back home," offered Moaning Myrtle.

The proposal was almost tempting.

* * *

"You're kidding. You're sure that's what the map says?"

"Second floor, girl's bathroom, Kraken Archibald Teuthis-Dux. Clear as a bell."

"But, that's… that's a girl's bathroom! It has… it has cooties!"

"Well, he's in there."

"You're sure the map's not messing with us?"

"Well… it got us past Filch."

Fred and George stood outside the bathroom, casting doubtful looks at the 'Ladies' sign on the door.

"You know, maybe we should plan how to get Kraken back to his normal size and into the lake before we go into the bathroom."

"Are you scared?"

"Me?! No! I just think we should plan the practical side of things first, before rushing into… into… well, we need to plan things."

"Wimp."

Neither twin made a move toward the door.

After some time, multiple attempts to move closer to the door and its threatening 'Ladies'sign, much deliberation and discussion, and the disdainful looks of several fifth year girls who walked past them and wondered why they were standing in front of a toilet that was not only clearly for females, but also haunted by the most annoying ghost in school, hope arrived. This hope came in the form of Angelina Johnson.

"What are you two doing?"

Fred and George had never been so happy to see a girl in their lives.

* * *

After wheedling, begging, and bribing Angelina to go in for them and collect Kraken off the shelf, the twins were back to their former selves. Sitting in the Gryffindor common room with the fishbowl tucked safely underneath George's arm, they plotted their next move.

"Alright, Krakkers, what's the next stage in our plan?"

"You didn't think this over beforehand?"

"I wanted to, but Fred wouldn't let me!"

"Well, we wouldn't have gotten anything done!"

"We didn't get anything done anyway! We paid Angelina a sickle and three knuts to do it for us!"

Kraken waved his mini-tentacles for silence, determined that from now on, he was going to take charge of his own life and ignore the twins' judgment as far as giant-squidly possible. He pulled himself up to his full mini-height, and assumed a position as if making a speech.

"Let us establish the facts here. I have been shrunk to the size of a goldfish. You, two juvenile human beings with no special talent --"

"Hey!"

Kraken glared at them and continued. "—no special talent, no particular skills, nor any form of gift for magic, clearly do not have the capacity to restore me to my original size. What we must conclude from these facts is that we must seek further help, either through a trusted member of Hogwarts faculty, or another reputable wizard."

Fred and George blinked, clearly having only partially understood Kraken's words.

"You know, it would be kind of cool to have a pet Giant Squid that talks."

Kraken sighed and covered his face with his tentacles. "Just get Dumbledore, okay?"

"Yep, pet talking squid. That'd totally be the rage."

"We should get one of those."

Kraken missed the toilet already.


	8. Chapter 7: Can You Say Deus Ex Machina?

_**Author's note: Hey kids, I stopped writing this two years ago. **__**In fact, it took me an hour to load this onto the site, because the last time I was here, the interface was totally different and ohmygod I cannot figure out this new thingy. But you deserve better than to be left hanging. So here's the end two chapters. **_

_**Also the usual warnings about copyright. But technically you're liable for copyright even if you do put up the disclaimers, so I don't really know why people bother.**_

Dumbledore had had a long day. He'd been held up all day at the Ministry, having sat in three two-hour meetings, filed a lot of paperwork, given a speech on Death Eater prosecution policy, and made a submission to a Ministry report on the state of magical education in England today. On top of that, he had filed an application for a new pipeline and sewage recycling plant with the Environmental Damage from Unauthorised Uses of Magic Committee, calmed down Molly Weasley, and drafted a letter of correspondence to, of all people, a talking squid.

_Dear Kraken_, it read, _Thank you for your letter. I have put in an application for a new pipeline. As I have fulfilled your demands, I ask that you return both of my students to the care of Hogwarts unharmed._

_P.S. Armando Dippet sends his wishes. He tells me you can actually write. Let's drop this ruse, then, shall we? You and I both know that badly punctuated threats of violence are not an ideal method of conflict resolution._

_P.P.S. I apologise for not replying to your previous letters. I believe the school's caretaker has been throwing them out. It seems that some people have trouble believing that giant squid actually write letters of complaint._

Yes, Dumbledore had had a long day. He wanted to get back to Hogwarts, send off this letter, make sure the Weasley twins were back safe and sound, and then sit back in his office and enjoy a sherbert lemon.

But alas, it was not to be. Upon clearing the Forbidden Forest on his broomstick, Dumbledore was greeted by the distinct smell of something rather similar to that awful Bertie Botts jellybean he'd consumed last week.

The lake had turned a rather putrid shade of dark yellow and was bubbling suspiciously with the cumulative effects of many cauldrons of discarded potion, last night's dinner remains, and sewage. Down by its banks, there was the smell of something burning, as the remains of a mob victory party, complete with moving 'WE GOT THE SQUID' poster, was razed by a group of angry mermen. A large group of various aquatic creatures was camped out in inflatable paddle pools by the lake, having been displaced from their homes by the explosion of the sewage pipe, while various other creatures from the Forbidden Forest had turned out in force to protest against the smell.

Dumbledore sighed as he started his descent into the school. These things _always_ happened to him.

Fred and George had had exactly zero luck in finding a way to return Kraken to his original size. Camped out in a study carrel by the charms section of the library, they pored over spellbooks, confident that no-one would ever think to look for them in a part of the library that was not the restricted section.

'I can't believe you tried that without testing it first,' whined Kraken, now a brilliantly sunny shade of yellow, but otherwise unchanged from the fishbowl state he'd been in all day.

'How was I supposed to know that it doesn't work on non-humans?'

'It's in the book! And I have told you multiple times that a simple Engorgement Charm will do the trick. You just need to find a safe spot to do it, and remove the mess from the lake first, because the cauldron waste interferes with charms.'

'Oh, shut up. You sound like Percy.'

'Besides, the yellow kind of suits you. Quite fetching.'

'And it'll help you be seen so that no-one collides with you now that the water is all yucky and foggy and stuff.'

'Besides, we can't do Engorgement Charms. We're not up to that yet in Charms class.'

Kraken snapped.

'I told you to get a competent wizard. But nooo, you had to be all "but then we'll get caught! But then we'll be expelled! But then our mummy will kill us!" So while the whole godforsaken castle searches for you, thinking that one of those rioting mermen must have carried you off for who-knows-what reason, you sit here, with that stinking confiscated map of yours, having caused my house and my possessions to be destroyed, and having caused me to shrink to the size of a common household rat, and having obliterated whatever form of self-dignity I once had, telling me you can't even do a simple Engorgement Charm to fix at least one thing that has gone HORRIFICALLY, TERRIBLY, WRONG! Of all the basic, mundane things in the world!'

Fred and George watched Kraken's outburst in silence, as the giant squid started twitching and shivering from a day's worth of suppressed rage and frustration, in a way which the twins suspected was a squid version of sobbing.

Finally, Fred spoke up.

'We're sorry, Kraken.'

'We really didn't mean to get your house destroyed,' added George.

'Or to leave our Dungbombs in your house before that.'

'Or to turn you yellow afterwards.'

'Or to drop bacon in your cauldron.'

'Or start a riot.'

'We were just trying to help.'

'But we promise we'll never help you again.'

'Except to get you some new self-dignity.'

'Please don't cry.'

'We're really sorry.'

Kraken kept twitching, but remained silent.

'Well, boys, I think you've done enough for one day,' said a soft voice behind them. The twins and Kraken turned around to see the headmaster of Hogwarts standing right there, having listened in on their entire conversation.

Things moved fairly quickly from there. Fred and George were returned to their family, and their mother, assured that they were unharmed, promptly gave them a month's worth of punishments.

Pandemonium at Hogwarts ensued for several more weeks, before all the rioting magical creatures were calmed down. A task force of teachers was appointed to restore the lake to its original state, and emergency intervention by the Ministry was staged to quickly lay the new pipeline and sewage treatment plant, as mutant Gryndelows had begun to escape from the lake into the village of Hogsmeade. Aurors were appointed to deal with this problem, and school, much to the delight of the twins, was cancelled for several weeks. The incident led to legislative reform, and the issuing of several new guidelines on magical waste disposal, news of which was avidly followed by Percy, but not by anyone else at Hogwarts.

Kraken lived in a fish tank in Dumbledore's office while this was being sorted out. Those magical creatures capable of surviving in the lake during its cleanup quickly returned, with the remainder continuing to be housed in inflatable paddle pools by the lake.

Finally, one day, not long after the whole debacle began, the day came for all the lake creatures to return to their homes. With a spell to fix his size, courtesy of Professor McGonagall, Kraken was placed in the shallow end of the lake. And with one, two, three kicks of his massive-again tentacles, he swam, back down into the deep, towards his freedom.


	9. Epilogue

Deep, deep down, far beneath the murky waters of a lake in an undisclosed area of England, there is a large steel pipe. This pipe, approximately two and a half metres in diameter, winds past the rocky bottom of the lake, through beds of kelp and deep trenches, from an old, crumbling castle perched precariously on a cliff by the water. It ends somewhere in the south-eastern corner of the lake, in an opening which directly deposits effluent from the castle into a shiny new renovated sewage plant, which magically vanishes waste, turns it into useful household products like floor cleaner, and ships it to large Muggle corporations for resale under the brand name 'Unilever'.

Near this shiny new plant lives a giant squid. Who happened, on this particular day, to be writing a letter.

_Dear Headmaster,_

_Thank you for the new pipeline and sewage plant. They have both made a fantastic difference to the natural environment of the south-east corner of the lake, and I know I speak on behalf of all the lake's inhabitants in praising their efficacy. Please find enclosed a small token of gratitude from all of us – a box of sherbert lemon._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Kraken Archibald Teuthis-Dux,_

_Hogwarts Squid._

_P.S. Please thank Fred and George Weasley for raising the funds and manpower to rebuild my house and replace my library collections. I really appreciate the effort._

_P.P.S. Please apologise to Argus for me – those new super-strength dungbombs Fred and George have are a present from me._

Kraken stretched his tentacles. It was good to be home.


End file.
